Chasing Rainbows

Why is it that to get to the rainbows we have to run through the rain?

Why is it that when we chase a rainbow we can never actually reach it? Those bastards move! No matter how close you get. Every time you get within reach it jumps away again. 

Metaphorically speaking here.

Lately, it seems like no matter how close I get to having a decent life and things being in order, things get ripped out from under me again. I don't get what I'm doing wrong. I try, try, try, and nothing ever comes of it. Either Mister goes a little manic and blows the money or a vehicle breaks down. 

Take what's been going on recently as an example of what I mean. 

He FINALLY was put in a position to get a job at home. After years of me begging he is finally home with us every night. It was such an amazing feeling to see him walk through that door every day. I don't even mind his snoring at night anymore. 

So, he's got this job at home, in town, how ever you want me to put it. They are paying for him to take classes, paying him for going to the classes, then letting him go to work afterward. We were finally get our priorities in line. Then all of a sudden his truck starts running hot. We thought we fixed it but a few days later, it happened again. Then, again and again and again. Until I finally told him to park it and look at it. He cracked the water pump some. 

So, the truck is no longer operational. At least until he finds a new pump, which is apparently very expensive. We talk it over and he starts driving my car to school, then work, and home. 

How is that going?

Oh, my beautiful, nearly brand new Maxima is sitting on a donut because he was on facebook while he was driving, ran off the road, got a hole, bent the rum and busted the tire. That's just my version of what I think happened. He says, he was doing the speed limit which he never does. All of a sudden the steering wheel gets really loose. Then lights on the dash light up saying traction control has went out, followed by the air gauge sensor. He said after that he slowed to 30 mph and the tire blew. 

I'm having a hard time believing it. I guess because I drive it all the time. 

I know my car! 

I just want things to get better! They don't have to be okay. They don't have to be perfect. Just better. That's all I ask. Is for a more normal life.

Pointless Tears

I've cried pretty much nonstop for three to four days. Yesterday, was my only break from the chaos. 

Mister decided to cut his dosage in half without talking to anyone. Not me. Not his mom. Not his doctor. After losing his job a few months ago, we thought his insurance would end; which meant he would have to stop taking his pills until his new insurance kicked in. I was all for at first because he has been doing so well. This is our first time for him to go off of his meds. I didn't think he would change so drastically so fast. 

He's been only taking his medicine once a day for three weeks, and he should be taking it twice a day. Obviously, it just starting coming out of his system good about a week ago. That's when the chaos started. He's really unstable but not really a danger yet. 

He can't seem to concentrate and won't tell the truth, even about simple things. 

Authority

Put a person of authority and a manic person in a room, alone, together for ten minutes and watch what happens!

I've been doing a lot of watching and learning lately. Apparently the some of the symptoms of bipolar can be controlled to some extent without medication. It's all just about how bad the person wants to do better. 

You see, nearly every person in Mister's family has bipolar disorder, including him. They all take turns going off of their medicine and being extremely manic or extremely depressed. There are times of the year when they all go manic at the same time. 

Uncle G has been in a deep depression for about two years now, after a three year manic phase. I remember before getting pregnant with my oldest, a few years ago, he was so bad manic he decided he was going to take a tree someone has cut down in his yard and build a condo. He was in and out of the mental hospital with little to no help. Pretty much just creating nonstop chaos for the whole family, mainly his elderly parents. At some point two years ago he fell into a deep dark depression, to the point he wouldn't leave his bedroom, except to use the bathroom. He wouldn't bathe, would barely eat, and would not talk. 

Now that he is finally showing signs of coming out of his depression, his son is running rapid, off of his medicine, and in and out of jail for minor things. With Allan it started out simple but quickly escalated into pure insane chaos. He was blowing every penny he had as soon as he came home from his out of town job. He was buying expensive things, getting people to co-sign for vehicles and atvs. The all of a sudden he got sent home after getting hurt at work, right around the time Mister lost his job. He offered to help Mister get a job with him. But they were having to drive 4 hours away every other day and it was going nowhere. We lost all of our money listening to him. He was just using us the whole time so he boss would pay him when he got to the office. 

Now, Allan is so paranoid about everything that he can't even leave the house without thinking someone is watching him or out to get him. I'm no sure yet what happened this week that landed him in jail but I'm sure it's not good. Maybe one day we will all find out but it's apparent the family is keeping quiet. 

To the point though, last week before going to jail Aunt T drove 5 hours from her home through Alabama, Mississippi, and Louisiana with Allan's sister Sally trying to get him to a doctor and have him committed so he could get the help he needs. He convinced the doctor that there's nothing wrong with him and they sent him on his way. Three days later, he's in jail again. 

Mister is the same way. He's been picking argument after argument with me, getting mad every time I speak to him, going back and forth on everything, and so much more; he's off his medicine. I was able to convince him to call his Uncle Alex, in hopes maybe he would tell him how he feels and why he's acting out so much. Nope! He immediately played the victim and went on and on about work and school and how he isn't getting in enough hours. Not one word was said about his aggression or anger towards me. 

I keep wondering why it's so easy for some people with bipolar to "snap out of it" when they are in the presence of a person of authority or a person who they are intimidated by. With Mister and his family, they seem to lose respect for any person they have to deal with on a daily basis but not those who they are scared of (for lack of a better word). I wish I could get answers ok this. I wish it were a little simpler. 

Life Goes On

If there's one thing I've learned in life it's that life goes on. You can't alway run from your problems. Things don't always go away. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and say to yourself I can do this; face your fears, stand up to your enemies, make amends, move on. Things don't always get better right away but they do get better. You just have to give it your all and give it time. 

Loving a bipolar man I have learned not to focus on the negative so much. If that's all you're doing that's all your going to notice. You have to remember what brought you together and why you love them. Things will always be chaotic. That's life. Just some people are a little more chaotic than others.

Yes, it's extremely hard living in all of the chaos but is it really as bad as you think? I bet not. I know it's not for me. Mister would walk through hell and high water to save me and I have to remember to do the same for him. 

There's such a huge stigma over bipolar. Oh you can just snap out of it. You need to get over it. Grow up. It's not that simple. There's so much more to it than that. The brain can get sick too. Would you treat it the same if it were cancer? 

I know I'm kind of all over the place right now but I'm sure you get the point, when you love a bipolar person it takes time and effort. You will need support. And if you push everyone away who cares about you thing will never get better.

I'm saying this because I know. I've been there. I used to push everyone away. I so used to let people walk all over me. I didn't have thick skin. I walked out on people I care for because I was tired of being hurt. I was tired of being confused, not knowing who was using me and who wasn't. One day I woke up and said if had enough with everyone. And I disappeared. Boy do I wish I had done it differently. But in all honesty I'm glad i left. I needed it. I needed to find myself. 

Boy did I find myself!